Don't Tell Anyone you Lived in Hong Kong
They won’t get it. They’re not interested. And they don’t care.I received that advice from a well-intentioned guidance counselor in 7th grade. I was amongst a group of 8 kids returning to their home country after living in Hong Kong. Once a week, we met as a group to prepare for this change. I was moving back to the suburbs of New York City, where I hadn’t lived for 7 years. During that time, I lived in the shadows of the Eiffel Tower, amongst holy cows (literally) in New Delhi, and in the steep hills of Hong Kong. I spoke French with my family when we didn’t want anyone else to understand us. And now I was returning to New York, and the piece of advice that stuck with me then – and 30 years later – was not to talk about where or what I had been doing over the last 7 years.
So I didn’t.It wasn’t until the night after our wedding, 14 years later, talking with my sister-in-law (by then I had known her for more than 5 years) that I was hit with the ridiculousness of this advice. She looked at me in shock, ‘You grew up WHERE? How did I not know this?’This 7 year vacation, as my mother calls it, formed me. It defines me. I credit this time with my curiosity in people. And yet for 14 years, I listened to that voice in my head, ‘DON’T TALK ABOUT IT! No one cares!’Do you have a voice inside your head telling you not to say, or do, something?
Don’t apply for that job – You’re not qualified. There are better candidates.
Don’t speak up – The more senior, experienced, smarter, stronger, taller, shorter… people in the room know more than you.
You don’t deserve this promotion – You won’t know what to do once you’re there. You’re out of your league.
You have no business being on this run – (I get that one a lot in the winter as I try to keep up with some friends who are amazing skiers.)
We all have those voices in our heads. They are our Inner Critics. A few of my clients have named their inner critics Debbie Downer, after the Saturday Night Live character. You may be thinking I’m going to tell you not to listen to Debbie Downer. Ignore it. What I should have done with the guidance counselor in 1986...No.Listen to Debbie Downer. Don’t just push the voice aside. There is truth and lies in everything that voice tells you.What do you do with that voice telling you what not to do?1. STOP when you hear that voice. Start differentiating between your thoughts and Debbie Downer’s (come up with your own name). Ask yourself:
- What’s true about what Debbie Downer is telling me?
- What are the lies behind it?
- What do you have on your bench to counter what’s being said?
Hewlett Packard conducted an internal study examining men and women applying for jobs. Men apply when they met only 60% of required qualifications. Women apply only when they meet 100% of them. Their Debbie Downers are having a field day telling them they can’t, shouldn’t, don’t have, etc.2. Listen to the voice. Decipher what is true, and what is a lie. I promise, over time and with practice, you will be able to hear Debbie Downer as a thought other than your own.3. Silence it. I heard what you had to say. You were right about some of it, but not all.4. Go after it. Ignoring the voice, pushing it aside will only make it louder and more frequent. Like a pestering child repeatedly asking you to set up play dates and sleep overs, acknowledging the voice will turn its volume and impact down.Lesson Learned. Yes, no one is my hometown was interested in hearing about traveling to more than 15 countries by the age of 14. But as I have found out since that conversation with my sister-in-law, people do want to hear about wondering cows on the main street of town who had the right of way from cars, wild game safaris as class trips (where we were separated from a wild boar fight with just a thin tent), recess in the Champs de Mars beneath the Eiffel Tour, or the donkey that collapsed while carrying my grandfather up a hill to a castle.
